We are different. We communicate. What we have is different. No one else understands what we have. I've heard it all. I've thought it all and I agree. What you have is absolutely different. Every relationship is unique because each person comes with their own energy. Your love is different but you still have to make a conscious choice to be emotionally mature throughout.
Counter-intuitive?
The question I set out to answer a year ago was this "how do you 'prepare' for the break up while simultaneously opening your heart to someone?" I wanted to understand as much as I could about how our minds process those different responses and answer whether this was even possible. Now, I don't know about you but even saying "prepare for the break up" makes my heart start to close off. Our bodies natural response is to become defensive. When we think about love, happiness, a future, etc. with a partner we feel calm, warm, open to giving love, open to receiving love. Right? So how do these things work together?
We look at preparing for the break up as preparing for battle. We guard ourselves. We see it as an individual task to protect ourselves because our safe space has been stripped away. This can be said regardless of the part you played.
Proactive vs. Reactive
A couple of weeks ago I was speaking to a colleague about being proactive in these conversations. Asking partners questions about how they define vulnerability and how we can show up better for each other in these ways. The same goes for the break up. Work with your partner as you are getting to know them. As you grow closer to someone you should begin learning how to show up for them and expressing how they can show up for you. REMEMBER to ask about preparing for the break up. Why? Before I explain what happens if you do, let's look at what happens chemically and psychologically during a break up.
Closing a chapter
When your journey with a partner ends, your brain can actually re-structure itself. There is a significant dip in serotonin and dopamine which impacts the production of neurotransmitters in the brain. In addition, it can be emotional. That influx of emotion has to be released, typically through tears, for the body to regulate itself. As all of this is happening it becomes more difficult to be mindful and act with emotional maturity. This is not the time to figure out how. When we figure out how to handle the break up in this state, as our minds are re-wiring, we start to see things differently. Yes, in some cases you are able to see with more clarity but most of the time you are painting an image of their mindset that is not their reality. You are re-wiring your memories to see things differently than they felt in the moment. The defense mechanism causes your hurt to turn to hate and your beautiful moments to turn to pain. Everyone responds differently. Whether you shut down or get vocal you are more likely to allow your ego to control your actions. (Ego will be discussed in many articles to come). Okay... so to the good stuff!
What happens when you discuss the break up?
You have to ask the right questions to be proactive and you have to be concise in your ask.
The key questions/areas I would focus on are:
If we were to part ways and it is my choice, how would you like for me to approach that with you?
Where are you most comfortable with a conversation like that taking place?
How can I be there for you to show you I valued our time (in that moment) while allowing you to heal?
How can I best give you closure? (in my opinion the most vital)
Now, I would not recommend this be a 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd date conversation unless it just naturally flows there but this is an essential conversation to have as you feel yourself drawing closer to your partner. The beauty that comes from this transparency is that your partner knows that while neither of you can predict the future, you will always be emotionally advanced enough to respect each other. Will it still hurt? FOR SURE! You see, when you are with someone you need, it hurts because you are scared and you don't know if you can do it alone. When you are with someone because you WANT them, it is equal but very different.
The beauty in the divide
Men and women process things very differently. Working together with your partner on a plan allows for you both to receive closure and define what you want the capacity of your relationship/communication to be moving forward. It allows you to both remember the beautiful moments and hold on those memories in a positive way. Knowing how to show up for them prevents unnecessary pain and scars as they move into an unknown phase in their life. It also gives you peace of mind. When we don't know how to show up for someone, or they don't know how to show up for us, it creates a lot of confusion. With our bodies in fight mode and our brains in the fragile state, we have to be mindful of what I call "cold perceptions". You have to remind yourself that you know who they are and who you are.
What if we (either party) don't honor the ask?
'I don't know why. I thought I was prepared. I was ready to come from a place of understanding. How can I do that if I am not provided with clear and concise reasoning? I feel like they don't have any respect for me because they won't even take the time to help me walk through this. They know me. They know how I process data. Why can't they allow me that? They must not value our time like I have.' --
STOP! If gentle reminders haven't helped I recommend the following...
You HAVE to find a place of peace. You have to remind yourself that all you can do is ask. You are not entitled to another person's inner thoughts. Their choice to share is their own. You have done your part. Now is when you state your peace (see below example for guidance). Then you make a conscious choice to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without exerting any more energy into understanding the "why" because if you continue to try to interpret actions in a post break-up mindset you will tarnish the good.
Example: I feel (insert emotion) because of (actions/personal vantage point/interpretation) and this (insert boundary, outcome, action, etc.) is how I am able to respond in this moment.
What if you both DO honor the ask?
It will still be painful for one or both of you. It will still be hard. You will still have moments of pain and maybe days eating ice cream in your pj's. The difference is, as your body begins to regulate and your heart begins to heal you will be able to see the relationship for what it was to you. It's okay if that looks different for you both. Putting yourself in this mindset allows you to feel gratitude for the good times and the lessons alike. Every relationship allows you too see a clearer picture of the kind of partner you want to be and be with. This will allow you to move into new forms of relationships without the hurt, negative self talk, and unhealed wounds.
But how does it SAVE the relationship?
Remember that you can not control their journey in life. The path they choose (together or separate) is theirs to guide, as you with yours. Everyone has their own unique perception/reality in life. This allows you to save yours. You have to set clear boundaries that allow you to heal and honor theirs (a topic for another day). Maybe a future friendship isn't in the cards for you all. Maybe it is. If there is an opportunity for that, it certainly will be hindered by allowing the end to be a battle of the egos. This joint preparation allows you the ability to appreciate and honor what was, knowing that you had the opportunity to spend time with a beautiful spirit. This will leave you in a state of acceptance, appreciation, and gratitude ready for your next adventure. This allows us to regulate our bodies more quickly and leave/enter new relationships more openly due to the lack of scaring. Some of which we've created ourselves due to our ego response and lack of preparedness.
If you would like personalized guidance or clarity on this entry, please reach out!
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